Nancy Drew and the Secret of the Glove Compartment Panties

The problem with being called upon to explain something that you never intended to explain in the first place is that the explanation can sound contrived, made-up, or, in most cases, just plain stupid. Case in point: a recent conversation from my life:

SCENE: The interior of a Ford Taurus, on a lovely drive through the country, past Saline en route to Clinton. I am driving and obnoxiously singing along with Top 40 radio hits. For some inexplicable reason, my husband has opened my glove compartment.

Husband: “What. Is. This.”

Me: (Singing) “TONIGHT – GIVE ME EVERYTHING TONIGHT…”

Husband: (Clearing throat) “WHAT. IS. THIS???”

(I glance over and see my an open glove compartment and my husband holding up a pair of underwear. He is not actually holding the underwear with his fingers; rather, they are being dangled on the end of a pen and held a fair distance away from his body.)

Me: “Um, that’s a pair of underwear. Obviously. (Singing) GRAB SOMEBODY SEXY, TELL THEM HEY!

Husband: “That’s it?”

Me: “Yes, those are the words to the song.”

Husband: “I am talking about the panties.”

Me: “Oh, those. What about them?”

Husband: (Incredulous look) “Why are there panties in your glove compartment?”

Me: “Oh, it’s all right – they’re mine.”

Husband: (Even more incredulous look) “What? Why does that make it all right?”

Me: “Well, obviously you would be concerned about a random pair of underwear in the glove box. I get that. But these aren’t random. They’re mine. So it all makes sense. Actually, I’m glad you found them. I forgot they were in there. Hey, what do you think of this song? It’s on my running mix.”

Husband: “I am even more confused than before. Why are YOUR underwear in your glove compartment?”

Me: “You don’t have to hold them like that. They’re clean. I only had them on for, like, three hours.”

Husband: (Even MORE disbelieving) “What?!?! Why did you take them off in the car?”

Me: “I didn’t take them off in the car. I wasn’t driving or anything.”

Husband: “So where did you take them off?”

(At this point I realize the conversation has veered wildly off-course.)

Me: “There’s a very simple explanation for this.”

Husband: (Still, I might add, holding the panties out far away from his body) “Really. Do tell.*”

(*Note: He probably didn’t say “do tell” but in my memory he said that and I can’t think of anything better that he would have said instead, so we’re running with it. I guess I now have to classify this whole account as fictionalized although it is very, very real.)

Me: “Well, about two weeks ago I took that pair of underwear out of the dryer before work. But when I got to work, I felt like they were riding up and were uncomfortable and then I started thinking I didn’t want to be underwear-fidgeting all day at the office, and then I started thinking maybe you could see the panty lines through my skirt, and then it REALLY started to bother me, so at lunch I went to Target and bought a new pair of underwear and put that pair in the glove compartment. Then I forgot about them until now.”

Husband: (Looking confused) “So you changed underwear in the Target parking lot?”

Me: “Don’t be ridiculous. I changed in the Target bathroom. Then I brought the offensive pair back to the car and stuck them in the glove compartment.”

Husband: “But why didn’t you put them in your purse?”

(Now it is my turn to look incredulous.)

Me: “I can’t carry panties around in my purse! What if I was talking to someone or needed to get out my wallet or something and accidentally pulled out a pair of panties? That would be totally weird.”

Husband: (Getting louder) “THAT would be weird? How is it not weird to find panties in your glove compartment?!”

Me: “Well, no one is supposed to be looking in my glove compartment. And I wasn’t going to KEEP them in there; I just forgot about them.”

Husband: (Shaking head disapprovingly) “I don’t know what it is with you and panties lately. Keeping them in the glove compartment, singing songs about them…”

Me: “What?! I do not sing songs about panties.”

Husband: “Yes you do. You just sang it this morning to your iPod.”

Me: (Realizing what he is referencing and once again, realizing there is a very simple explanation) “Oh, THAT. That was Nicki Minaj. The song is not about panties; it just references panties.”

Husband: “And it is the only line in the whole song that you sing.”

Me: “That is a lie. I also sing the part about flying coach. I don’t know the rest of the words yet. But that is not the same as singing songs about panties. By the way, you can put those back in the glove compartment.”

Husband: “So you can forget about them again?”

Me: “This conversation is over.” (Turn up radio) “OMG*, it’s Super Bass! We were just talking about this song!”

(*Yes, I spoke the letters “O,” “M,” and “G.”)

Me: (Singing) “He just gotta give me that look; when he give me that look the panties comin’ off, off.”

(Husband gives me a VERY irritated look.)

Me: “I don’t think that is the look the song is referring to.”

(Husband changes radio station.)

THE END

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4 thoughts on “Nancy Drew and the Secret of the Glove Compartment Panties

  1. Pingback: I can dance if I want to, even if I AM running on a treadmill at the time. « A Wiseman Once Said…

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